Feeling like the worst mum in the world 😟

Well I had planned to start my blog with stories and experiences that I have had so far as a breast feeding mum! 

Tonight has unfortunately given me the opportunity to write from the heart on my first post... Feeling like the worst mum in the world. 

Last year I joined a pantomime group through my old singing teacher in Perton, West Midlands.

A lovely friendly bunch who really make you feel one of the family. 

8 weeks into rehearsals I announce that I'm 12 weeks pregnant and will be 20 weeks pregnant during show week. 

I was happy to carry on and they were happy for me to still be involved. 

All went well as bump & I played the evil Queen Grizelda ( all bar a fall on the first night!)

Anyway, 7 months on auditions open for next years Panto Robin Hood. 

So, my husband, 2 week old Bea & I go to auditions & I try my hand at Maid Marian. 

Maybe they were frightened to let down the tired new mum who was hormonally challenged, but I got the part! 

So, September this year rehearsals started. They run every Wednesday 7.15-9.45 and most Thursdays 7-9.

Rehearsals mean that I need to express milk for Nick to give Bea with a bottle. 

I use a Medela swing electric breast pump & Tommee tippee closer to nature bottles & Bea takes the bottle well. 

The main issue is finding the time to express, if Bea gets up, has breakfast and then has a sleep, I am quite good at getting ready & expressing before we go out, but if not- time goes! 

This has meant that I have needed to take Bea to rehearsals a few times. 

Most people are very good about it & spend time with Bea and help by holding, cuddling and playing.

I find it difficult as I feel a bit guilty for taking her out at night and not spending all of my time with her, but she is very good and it is making her a very social baby.

Anyway! 

This week, Bea is having her 4 month growth spurt. She is feeding quite often and for quite a length of time.

Because of this I have not had time to express any milk, so last night I was going to stay at home with my unsettled baby, but I was needed, so went and it was ok.

Today I made an effort and managed to get 3.5oz. Not loads, but as much as I could.

Nick took Bea off to his parents & I went off to rehearsal.

All went well until I saw a missed call on my phone off Nick, I called him & all I could hear was Bea screaming, he was on his way home from his parents house to ours with a starving child 😟

I couldn't leave rehearsal, so I asked him to bring her to me.

We agreed for him to phone me when he got to the car park. I saw my phone ringing and ran as close to Mo as I could. 

I got there and no Daddy or Bea to be seen. I panicked and ran back for my phone & ran back... They were there.

I pulled the door open & Bea was fast asleep with a beetroot red face 😟

I woke her up and got her straight out and burst into tears. I held her so tight, I felt terrible and so guilty for leaving her and not being there with her milk.

I felt selfish for doing Panto and overall a rubbish mummy.

I took her in and finished my rehearsal. I held her right as I sang Especially for you.

She stayed close and quiet and I got her in the car without any fuss.

I drove home as fast and safely as I could.

I pulled up and she was fast asleep. Nick took her out of her car seat and put her into her Moses basket.

She slept and I stared for the next 20 minutes... She is now getting the feed she deserves.

TMSM xxx